“His Hands that Held You”

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Jesika,

One night during April 1997  you made the decision to follow Christ and it changed our lives and our eternities.  Your last night here on earth in April 2002 again changed our lives and the lives and eternities of many others, such that we will not fully know until the appointed time.  Even though your missions ministry here on earth was short- as we count days down here- it is eternal in the presence of God.  And just like you, your ministry was different from most, yet perfect in the eyes of God.  Just a few days after your death here, the Lord spoke to me. "Teach what you have been taught, for I come quickly."

I am angry.  I am on the beach in Laguna lost, crying, asking God why this happened, why you had to die.  I want to know if you are with Him in paradise why I am stuck down here in such terror. I  spent so much time holding you up in prayer, together with you, only a month before….and in those secret moments God waking me in the middle of the night, crying for your safety,  begging for your life because I could not dare to face even the thought of losing you.  Yet, there was a slight nagging in my soul telling me I just might.

How I loved you.  How I longed to take my faith, my wisdom and give it to you, carve it out of my very spirit.  In overcoming horrors of my own life, I thought I could walk you right through yours.  I know I was the cause of some of those horrors - the insecurity, the lack of self confidence, the emptiness, searching, reaching for anything, anyone to make you feel good about who you are.  Never stopping to count what it would cost or where it might lead you later on. I knew this all too well as I once owned these things.

In watching you over the years, I amazingly saw things in your personality and character that I adored, characteristics that were much different than my own.  It was the very essence of you, the girl-i-ness, your sense of humor, and the outright determination to be different from anyone, the courage just to be Jessica - - Jesika.  I am glad that I took the time to tell you this before

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