“His Hands that Held You”

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Our private jokes that were funny lines and gestures taken from movies that we would  throw in to our conversations just for the simple giggles.  Watching you in youth group, becoming a mentor, your deep concern for others' feelings.  Often expressing concern for others in our family to know Jesus Christ. The desires to serve God in missions - watching you practice mime…our favorite song…."is your name in the Book…" (I've forgotten the movements again)….endlessly begging you to sing with me --you knew you had the voice!  Watching you jokingly argue with Amanda, laughing as you both fell to the floor turning it into a wrestling match, calling me to help you.  Dad taking you out to buy your first car, teaching you bass guitar, making sure you had what you needed, always. Watching you with him, hugging, talking, sometimes crying, but often laughing.

Truly there is an endless list and it brings me great joy to know that although our time together on earth is finished, we have an eternity with the Lord Jesus Christ to giggle and paint nails and best of all to dance on His altar at His feet.  We can be together without the pain, without the tears!  You are our porcelain doll and we have hated every moment without you.Dad and I are on the Laguna Beach, just days after your funeral.  I am hysterical with grief, pounding the sand in my anger and frustration, questioning how something so unspeakable could have happened to us.  There is no comfort or peace as the detective's words replay over and over…"Jessica was in an automobile accident and she didn't make it".  Remembering how I ran into your room, begging God…..this could not be so, falling to the floor in total unbelief, and knowing there was absolutely nothing I could do to change it.  And in a moment, remembering every prayer, every tear and the knowledge that your passing was not a surprise - I knew.  Of all the things we fixed for you as parents, this would not be one of them.  Sometimes in my sleep I think I  hear you screaming as your car flips coming apart, tossing your precious body out into the desert.  I cannot

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